starvingtobethin

endless cycle

2006-11-19T16:21:00.000-08:00

my life:
fasting, fasting, eating, crying and feeling terribly guilty,exercising as much a si can which means (in the morning, walking and taking the LONG way to get anywhere, exercising again in the afternoon, and yet again at night until about1 until i am so fatgued that I fall asleep), fasting for most of the day, eating a few bites of something in te afternoon, a few MORE bites of something at night and still trying to feather-in my exercises.
Needless to say Im tired, on top of all of this sits exams and projects, day-to-day stressfull things and that I atill look disgusting.
Oh yes, I look as horrible as I have ever looked, im whopping 126 and believe me as Im writing this # out the reality of how heavy I am makes me vomit. Too bad I dont have the actual ability to purge, never have been able to and so I have to suffer in guilt ridden tears, exercising or fasting. In the mirror I dont look ANY different even though some clothes are too big now and people around tell me Im thin, I dont see it, not at all.
I was in the car today and was so hungry that I started srying, it was just so frustrating but then I reasoned with myself how ridiculous it was to be crying for food, so I finally stopped, grabbed a cup of coffee and 1 veggie patty thats has about,,150 calories, BUT I did an hour of aerobics right after I ate and I read somehwere that 1 hr of aerobics burns 300 calories, so I hoping that I wont gain any weight. Im pretty low on energy these days, and what energy I DO have I spend on exercising so I guess thats all for now, let me know of any pro-ana tips that would help with stress in times like these.

TakeCare,
Superstar

Roller coaster daze

2006-11-11T01:12:00.000-08:00

I started fasting, which I had not done in quite a while to be honest. It lasted a week or so and I have truly been up and down physically and emotionally the whole time. It just takes a toll on your system and will take a bit until you can start yourself back up again. So in my fast I lost 3 lbs. Which is good considering it took only a week. I am back to my 100-200 calories or less a day diet. However I have taken up my exercise a notch, adding a 1 hr walk + 2 hrs of aerobic/floor exercises to my workout. Of course these are all additions to ballet classes 3 times a week. Hopefully the added exercises will compensate for me not being on a fast, I really feel bad that I stopped the fasting though. Its just that I did not have any energy to do ANYTHING, and with my schedule, school and working, it was just too hard. I think I will do fasts again but this time shorter maybe 2 days at a time will be easier.
Well I gave it my best, and its not like I am letting myself go right now, so hopefully I will continue losing weight. My goal weight at the moment is 110, right now I'm 128, so wish me luck.

Kisses and Hugs,
Superstar

Tips, anyone?

2006-11-03T15:42:00.000-08:00

I have been asked about tips for fasting, so here goes ==>

**Delay eating solid foods for th elongest time you possibly can, so do somethingthat will keep you busy instead, go out shopping, take a dance class, paint, watch a movie, do your hair, talk on the phone,,, basically distract yourself.
**drink lots of coffe, and diet pepsi, they will keep you pumped up and energized
If you HAVE to eat someting in front of your family then eat a tiny bit, in other words dont eat all day until lets say-8 pm that everyone lese is eating and then have some vegetables or something, let that meal be the ONLY calories you take in that day
**thinspiration, look at pictures of kate bosworth and nicole richie, watch movies like "center stage", there are SO many people that "CAN" do what we are doing and have control over their body , so I find observing these people can also be very helpfull during fasting
**avoid things & places that will trigger you to eat, dont go to the fridge, walk through the food court in the mall, open that bag of chips,,,
**dont wear stretchy pants and baggy clothes, wear tight clothing and look at yourself in the mirror, you will see exactly why your are fasting and trust me will definately lose your appetite

Do you have any tips?

FAST WITH ME

2006-11-02T00:11:00.000-08:00

I have decided to go on a week long fast starting today, Thursday. The only things that are permitted are, water, coffee, tea, diet pepsi and 5 saltine crackers/day.
WHOS WITH ME? I know we can do it, Im positive that this will knock off at least 5 lbs. if not more.
So tell me about your fasting restrictions and tips, Id love to hear from everyone.

Out of CONTROL

2006-11-01T22:42:00.000-08:00

I am feeling very very down today. I didn't eat anything except water and coffee all day until about 5 or 6, and then I had about a cup of rice at dinner with my family. I feel so sick. So disgusting and ashamed for eating anything at all. I will never reach my goal weight if I continue on like this. I feel so sad that I could take a knife and just cut myself up any second now.
I don't know what to do. How could I give in? Why wasn't I strong enough to resist? This is all so bad, I should not have done this. Meanwhile even though I'm a size 4 now, my legs still look like tree stumps and my whole body is so disfigured that looking at the mirror is painful. The most agonizing part of ballet class is looking at the girl in front of me with the PERFECT body, and then having to look at myself in the mirror head-on during center work. I'm dreading going tomorrow.
I feel really really sick.

PRO-ANA WEBRING

2006-10-30T19:00:00.000-08:00

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THINTHINTHIN

2006-10-29T22:50:00.000-08:00

Im sick and tired of all these disgusting fat women walking around everyday. Shoving food in their mouths with bulging bellies wearing stretch pants beacause their fat asses cant fit into ANYTHING anymore, they dont have enough control over their cow like appetites to put down the frankenstein inventions offered in Mc Donalds & See's Candies and take a GOOD look in the mirror, its not the pants honey, its YOU.
DUMB BITCHES.

Wishing, dreaming, trying so hard

2006-10-26T23:53:00.000-07:00

I ran across this picture of Nicole Richie last night. I really admire her, She doesn't stop or back down even with all the pressure people are putting on her to gain weight.
Jealous idiot's

Fancy Free

2006-10-26T08:39:00.000-07:00

I am happy to say that I'm still on track and losing weight. For most of the day I have just coffee, tea and water and a light salad at night. If I go on like this Ill be able to reach my goal weight of 100 soon. I am however getting lectures from my parents that see me wearing a shirt or something and then gasp when they discover that I look skinnier. I told her that she shouldn't worry and that I am very happy, "everything is fine".

2006-10-23T00:18:00.000-07:00

My mother told me that a dress I bought recently was too small for me, I really really want to wear the dress though. Its a size 5, I DONT want to wear a 7!!!! I would die if I wore a 7, size 7 its practically 8. If I go down another 10 lbs. I can fit into the dress I think, it may even be too big for me then, techincally to fit into the dress I need to lose maybe 3-4 lbs, but thats not enough. I want to look great in it.
My dad was watching a tv program on anorexia and apparently he thinks I am anorexic, when he told my mom she brushed it off, that there was "no way!", uh,,,Suprise***
Why am I not losing more weight?!!!!!!, When I look in the mirror sometimes I think that Ive lost weight and look not great but O.K., but when I go to my ballet class and see all the girls there, its terrible, IM terrible looking. Everybody looks great except me. I HATE the big, long mirror that we have in the class, and I especially hate center work because a lot of the time we are facing the mirror head-on and honestly I cant even look at myself, I think about what everyone must be thinking about my legs, "What a cow", and thats exactly what I am, So ugly and SO fat!

Tzigane

2006-10-21T00:27:00.000-07:00

The violin music of Tzigane is playing in my soul. If you have not experienced this incredible piece of art, do it now.
The last few days have been very rough, the stress of general everyday things and midterms have taken a toll on my dancing and THAT is making me misreable. Not to mention everytime I look into the mirror in ballet class I want to vomit, I cant face myself. Everyone looks amazing and I am just so out of place. I get very self concious and start worrying about what I look like so much that I forget what Im doing and miss the steps. I wish I was thin, I would be so happy, so proud of myself. I really hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate myself.
I am so sad. I dont know what to do. I really try very hard, all I can think about is my body, and my arms and legs, what I have had to eat, what I shouldnt eat, what I want to look like, what I ACTUALLY look like,,,
The red violent gypsy music of Tzigane is what Im feeling like right now, like a trapped, desperate creature***

SICK

2006-10-18T21:59:00.000-07:00

Im sick of myself. Sick of looking into the mirror & at the scale. I am so disgusting. PIG
I wish I could just die.

Happy Days

2006-10-15T23:43:00.000-07:00

Today was a success. It has now been three continuous days that I have not had anything to eat all throughout the day besides coffee, and just a small salad at night.
I'm feeling really good, this feels amazing. I cant fathom people that eat every 2-3 hours, when someone has a sandwich that should be enough until the next day around the same time, having more than one meal a day is what keeps you on a steady track to size 16.
Its amazing just how self conscious fat people are and despite this they still wont pass up pastries and pasta. I have talked to girls that are miserable because they are too big to participate in different activities and sports or wear certain clothes, but when it comes to actually doing something about their problem they are hopeless. It is as if food has some sort of power over them and they cant resist.
Well I and countless other men and women are not like those people. We can control our appetite and therefore our weight.
I don't feel sorry for those fat people either because they have brought their disposition upon themselves so they deserve to live with it, or take a step in the right direction by putting down the oreos.

I am vertical

2006-10-15T22:50:00.000-07:00

But I would rather be horizontal.
I am not a tree with my root in the soil
Sucking up minerals and motherly love
So that each March I may gleam into leaf,
Nor am I the beauty of a garden bed
Attracting my share of Ahs and spectacularly painted,
Unknowing I must soon unpetal.
Compared with me, a tree is immortal
And a flower-head not tall, but more startling,
And I want the one's longevity and the other's daring.

Tonight, in the infinitesimallight of the stars,
The trees and the flowers have been strewing their cool odors.
I walk among them, but none of them are noticing.
Sometimes I think that when I am sleeping
I must most perfectly resemble them--
Thoughts gone dim.
It is more natural to me, lying down.
Then the sky and I are in open conversation,
And I shall be useful when I lie down finally:
Then the trees may touch me for once, and the flowers have time for me.

-Sylvia Plath

THINSPIRATION

2006-10-14T09:46:00.000-07:00

Let me start out by thanking all the people that are visiting my blog and leaving comments, I really appreciate your suggestions and opinions.
I'm am a bit tired this morning, yesterday started out with a few cups of coffee and some cigarettes, the rest of the day followed through with the exception of half a cup of mushroom soup at 800 pm. I feel like I did good yesterday, but unfortunately my body looks at horrible as it has ever looked. I know that one day is not enough but when I wake up every day all I can think about is what I am going to look like on the scale and in the mirror.
I would also like to address some messages I have received regarding the blog that I keep and the purpose of it. I don't need help or want help and certainly don't need therapy. The reason I started this blog is to write about the things that are going on in my life and my mind at the moment. There are many pro-ana websites non of which I will mention here since the people that are "just trying to help" keep shutting down various ones. The pro-ana boards, blogs and websites are supportive places that people with eating disorders can go to and read what others in similar situations are going through.
ANYWAY,
I'm hoping that today will go as good as or better than yesterday, meaning no soup. I actually did not get hungry at all, when you don't eat in he morning and just keep going your stomach does not wake up so you don't technically even starve. Well I have to go now but Ill be back soon with more goodies.

Kisses**

WHY WHEN HOW, HELP ME

2006-10-11T23:41:00.000-07:00

I dont know where to begin really, its not happening. My body is working against me, I cant lose weight. I am going to die a fat cow and Ill be ugly forever. I hate myself, what is every other person that is thin doing that I am not, I want to be the one that people see and go "Wow, you are so skinny! You should put on some weight. Here, eat something". I want to be her. I dont want to look normal, if I dont get there soon I dont know what I will do. Something drastic, I wonder how bad could it be to be on drugs and be thin, I dont know, all kinds of thoughts run through my head, its all very confusing.
I'm so frustrated that I want to cover up every mirror in the house, lock myself in a room and just cry and cry. What else should I do, I dont eat over 100 calories per day and I dance ballet 3 or 4 times a week. I hate myslef, I am so disgusting, my whole body is revolting, thats why I want to get rid of it, its full of fat, why cant I see the bones in my ribs, thighs, arms, Ill tell you it is because I am FAT.
If I would just lose weight to be under 80, I could be happy, I would look beautiful, I would just have peace, but meanwhile I feel as if I am going insane in the process.
It is consuming me, taking over my life and mind, I will not stop, not for anyone or anything, until I reach my goal. When I look at food, at people that are eating food, the fat, pig-like people that are muching on candy and pizza's I see everything that I dont want to become. UGH! How can they live with themselves, day in and day out. I want to shake them and say "Dont you see yourself?! Take a look at that deformed body, you are fat, obese, pudgy, ugly & supid, why wont you help yourself, dont you want to be beautifull?"

Don't touch that

2006-10-10T00:35:00.000-07:00

I was sitting in front of the TV with my family watching a movie, there was a piece of chocolate on the table, I kept looking at it, finally picked it up and as I bit into it my father said, "Now you wonder why you gain weight, its because you eat so much sweets, you are constantly eating them. Eat it if you want, I'm just saying..."
I immediately dropped the piece of chocolate in a plate, My whole body was shaking, I felt my eyes well up with tears but managed to chase them away.
I hate food, I hate myself.

Happy

2006-10-09T02:37:00.000-07:00

I want to be 82 lbs., I want to fade away and die. Just shrink till there is nothing more left of me, how can I feel so numb and be in so much pain, good thing I have this blog to vent about all the things I cant say to anyone else, they all think Im perfect you see. All the people around me from friends and family allways talk about how together I am, how on-track, and of course how "fit" I look. Its sick, they dont know that I feel rotten, Im so disgusting I could kill myself, they would probably wonder what happend, what went wrong, "she seemed so happy...".
My arms, legs, skin, cheeks, I hate them, I want them to go away, I dont want you anymore, you make me look ugly, I dont want to look ugly. I dont know what to do, It feels like Im falling down a black hole, there is nothing to hold on to and no one to help.

Twisted this feeling

2006-10-09T01:41:00.000-07:00

What is this obsession I keep
This perfection I seek
Help me reach it
I can dream and feel it
Elusive this love
So far so distant
My heart becomes weak and less resistant
Day after day, hour by hour
I'm gaining momentum and losing my power

So far, So elusive

2006-10-09T00:28:00.000-07:00

I was in a store today that was offering samples of some pumpkin cake blob they had made, well the only person that stopped by and instisted that she get the sample that had icing on top of it, was this one girl that was over 300 lbs. Her arms were like tree trunks and her stomach(if you can even call it that) was just rolls of revolting lard. I just couldnt stop looking at her and smiling to myself, well she finally left and I was still recovering from the sight of her when lo and behold, she came back for seconds, I swear the girl giving out the samples looked like she wanted to just shove the rest of that crap down her throat and go home.
Wow, how does a person live with themselves in that body? I would commit suicide, lock myself in a room OR in a more simple way JUST STOP EATING. I mean she kept scarfing down the stuff and just would not shut up about how good it tasted and how incredible the smell was that drew her to enter the store in the first place.
When ever I see one of these obese and rhino like people walking by I think, what a pig, just cant stop devouring globs of food. Dont you want to look nice, to be beautiful and be THIN ??!!
Idiot.

Painless

2006-10-08T13:22:00.000-07:00

Filling my days with school, work and dancing leaves little time for anything else especially food. I am very happy though, whenever I eat something the guilt and pain that overcomes me is so unbearable that I dont even think of food. Sometimes I look at pictures of people that have the kind of body that I would like to have, you can see their bones, one by one, why cant I be like them? If I could carve off my body to beacome what I want I would.

Mirror

2006-10-06T00:30:00.000-07:00

What primarily keeps me going throughout the day is Starbucks, cigarettes and water. Every day begins and right away my thoughts are brewing as to what I had the day before, and what I look like today. Is it a good day, or a particularly bad one? Of course everything is reflected by the mirror. All the flaws and thoughts, concerns and frustrations, stare back at me unapologetically. Its cruel, how much pain it has caused me this mirror, it doesn't give nice compliments or try to hide under sweet comparisons and smiles like people do when the subject of ones body is brought up.
I have not once in my life met a girl that does not despise her body, wouldn't give anything to become so frail and delicate that she could just disappear and blow away in the wind. Girls talk about these things only in each others presence, away from the glare of parents that would frown on their point of view and friends that would disapprove this topic of conversation. They share details of their painful struggle to win this daily war of food and weight, giving each other tips and showing time tested tricks for difficult situations.
One day I hope to look in the mirror and see the body that is in my mind. Not just thin, no, frail, delicate with twiglike bones and no fat or muscles, none at all, when I can see all of my bones and can count my ribs one by one, that to me would be perfection. It is a very disgusting feeling to have visions of what you would like to look like and see the body that reflects back to you from the mirror be so different. In one word it really is torture.

Hello

2006-10-04T20:57:00.000-07:00

Hello, how are you today?
This blog is my way of recording of the ups and downs of starving and writing about just how difficult it can sometimes be to avoid that revolting thing called food. People will try to make you eat it, cook it and smell it, but when you look at what those people look like you'll see why they push you so hard to eat. They are jealous, with their requisite 24 hr fitness memberships and size 14 pants, they can not stand the thought of you having as much control of your mind and body and achieving what they so deperately want.
I dont want to be one of those fat cows, and the solution is quite simply to stop eating, and putting as much time between every morsel of food that enters my mouth as possible. A day, two, three, there are people that can go on fasting for a week even, of course thats what I would like to achieve, I am trying very hard to get there. Its really very easy, once your body gets over the initial shock of not receiving its regular intake of fat and sugar, and gets used to the new schedule that you have put it on.
Come on, start now.