endless cycle
my life:
fasting, fasting, eating, crying and feeling terribly guilty,exercising as much a si can which means (in the morning, walking and taking the LONG way to get anywhere, exercising again in the afternoon, and yet again at night until about1 until i am so fatgued that I fall asleep), fasting for most of the day, eating a few bites of something in te afternoon, a few MORE bites of something at night and still trying to feather-in my exercises.
Needless to say Im tired, on top of all of this sits exams and projects, day-to-day stressfull things and that I atill look disgusting.
Oh yes, I look as horrible as I have ever looked, im whopping 126 and believe me as Im writing this # out the reality of how heavy I am makes me vomit. Too bad I dont have the actual ability to purge, never have been able to and so I have to suffer in guilt ridden tears, exercising or fasting. In the mirror I dont look ANY different even though some clothes are too big now and people around tell me Im thin, I dont see it, not at all.
I was in the car today and was so hungry that I started srying, it was just so frustrating but then I reasoned with myself how ridiculous it was to be crying for food, so I finally stopped, grabbed a cup of coffee and 1 veggie patty thats has about,,150 calories, BUT I did an hour of aerobics right after I ate and I read somehwere that 1 hr of aerobics burns 300 calories, so I hoping that I wont gain any weight. Im pretty low on energy these days, and what energy I DO have I spend on exercising so I guess thats all for now, let me know of any pro-ana tips that would help with stress in times like these.
TakeCare,
Superstar
fasting, fasting, eating, crying and feeling terribly guilty,exercising as much a si can which means (in the morning, walking and taking the LONG way to get anywhere, exercising again in the afternoon, and yet again at night until about1 until i am so fatgued that I fall asleep), fasting for most of the day, eating a few bites of something in te afternoon, a few MORE bites of something at night and still trying to feather-in my exercises.
Needless to say Im tired, on top of all of this sits exams and projects, day-to-day stressfull things and that I atill look disgusting.
Oh yes, I look as horrible as I have ever looked, im whopping 126 and believe me as Im writing this # out the reality of how heavy I am makes me vomit. Too bad I dont have the actual ability to purge, never have been able to and so I have to suffer in guilt ridden tears, exercising or fasting. In the mirror I dont look ANY different even though some clothes are too big now and people around tell me Im thin, I dont see it, not at all.
I was in the car today and was so hungry that I started srying, it was just so frustrating but then I reasoned with myself how ridiculous it was to be crying for food, so I finally stopped, grabbed a cup of coffee and 1 veggie patty thats has about,,150 calories, BUT I did an hour of aerobics right after I ate and I read somehwere that 1 hr of aerobics burns 300 calories, so I hoping that I wont gain any weight. Im pretty low on energy these days, and what energy I DO have I spend on exercising so I guess thats all for now, let me know of any pro-ana tips that would help with stress in times like these.
TakeCare,
Superstar
posted by superstar @ 4:21 PM
8 Comments:
At 8:43 AM,
FreeInHim94 said…
You are tired because you aren't giving your body anything to burn for energy, my friend. Please go see your physician, and bring a copy of this post with you. He/She can help you find a way to eat that is healthy and will not cause the pain and sadness you are feeling or the excess weight gain you fear.
At 11:04 PM,
sweetypetiti23 said…
my dear, i promise you that a mirror lies. a mirror cannot measure you as a person whatsoever, because who you are is measured in your personality. you are beautiful no matter what you think. relax, dont feel guilty for eating a single bite. relax, and realize that you are beautiful, inside and out.
At 10:15 AM,
GlennyBear said…
I know how you feel with the whole "i feel bad after eating" i feel guilty after i eat, then i starve myself, then someone will say something that upsets me and i binge out and feel worse, it's a never ending cycle of self hate.
At 11:34 AM,
liddyloo said…
my heart actually went out to you when i read that, i just want to give you a big hug, even though i dont know you! i dont know what to say, except i understand everything you said. i too am struggling with many food issues, and i am neither proud nor happy about them, but it is a fact. some people think that people that fast or starve themselves never feel hungry, but it isnt true. my hunger makes me get angry and irritable with those around me, to the point that i eat soemthing and then feel a heavy guilt. we have to try and get past how we feel, even though it is hard, and eat healthily. but i know it seems impossible sometimes. :) x
At 3:32 PM,
EllynX said…
People lie if you are too fat, yet no one lies if your too thin? Thats because its so exasperating to see, so heartbreaking to see someone so weak helpless and vunerable, yet so selfish? im not here to insult you girls but do you never feel for the pain your family and friends are feeling watching you starve yourselves to may i add maybe death? there are people dying from unhelpable illnesses and you sit here helping each other to slowly kill yourselves? Jesus life needs to change for you all.
At 5:34 AM,
eli_cyanide said…
hey hun. im just getting back into this, i know how you feel. its hard but its so so worth it. i believe in you. its good that you work out your calories to exercise, there are a lot of places online that you can find out how much a specific activity burns, definitely look into that. also, im sure you know, but drink lots of water, and tea instead of coffee if you can (less calories) best of luck!
At 9:11 AM,
Lazarus said…
126? That is a perfect weight, I weigh 136 & look good. I also eat a lot, & work out a lot. At one point I starved, ate one meal a day and got down to 120. And let me tell you, isn't living like that so so so self-consuming? It controls every aspect of thoughts. You need to free yourself, this is no way to live. Is there not anything else you can focus on? You will never be thin enough, when you are probably perfect. You need outside help to end this deadly cycle.
At 6:31 PM,
Samantha said…
Hello,
I was looking at your sites and I was wondering if you would be interested in a banner or link swap? I have two sites I'd be interested in sharing, and could link back to you on both of my sites. Please let me know!
www.disorderedblogs.com
A blog networking site offering users a variety of ways to customize their pages and even make money while blogging about their eating disorder!
www.glitterveins.com
A site offering information, and a community.
Post a Comment
<< Home